I am not writing here. I want to be. I think of doing it quite often. Topics come and go, whole paragraphs get composed and then I don’t sit down and write.
Why not?
I can think of lots of reasons, many true and valid. Most of my Executive Function gets chewed up at work and then I collapse. That I can’t fix today. Let’s just tackle one reason right now, one that doesn’t just sound like complaining. I think I have dug down to a root issue.
I’m afraid. Afraid that what I write here will offend or be held against me by an employer, random reader, or even a friend. I seem to want to say things that are too personal, too Intimate to expose to the world in general. So I’m not writing at all.
Not everything I think of to write falls under that umbrella, but it seems like a lot of it does. Sometimes I feel brave and I tell myself, just write it! But then I wake up in the morning and know that I would want to retract if I had published it.
Intimacy requires trust and safety from judgement. It isn’t something that you can just have with anyone or everyone. So if I want to write about things that are intimate to me, and might build intimacy with a reader, I need some kind of filter of assurance that the people reading want to participate in a connection with me, however far removed.
I was reminded by a Dear One today to ask myself “what can I do about it” rather than just be stuck in the problem. I think the thing to try is to set up a ‘membership’ arrangement here so that my friends and people who want to be my friends can see and read more than the random reader.
It is that, or give this up and just start a private journal for myself. My history with that isn’t so good. I’m a lot more likely to write if someone might read it. Thus being an anonymous writer also kinda doesn’t work for me ’cause I want to point my people at the writing.
Ok WordPress – offer me an easy technical solution here. See you back here soon.
P.S.
I have solved the technical problem. It is a free but not particularly elegant solution. If you are interested in reading the more intimate stuff, here is a page about how to do just that! I do have some new posts up. More to come soon. Now that I have this filter in place I am feeling a lot more comfortable.